best 100 funniest quotes jokes

best 100 funniest quotes jokes

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

People usually consider walking on water or in thin air a miracle.  But I think the real miracle is not to walk either on water or in thin air, but to walk on earth.  Every day we are engaged in a miracle which we don't even recognize:  a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves, the black, curious eyes of a child - our own two eyes.  All is a miracle.  ~Thich Nhat Hanh

Everything which is properly business we must keep carefully separate from life.  Business requires earnestness and method; life must have a freed handling.  ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Life is the fire that burns and the sun that gives light.  Life is the wind and the rain and the thunder in the sky.  Life is matter and is earth, what is and what is not, and what beyond is in Eternity.  ~Seneca

[P]erhaps nothing 'ud be a lesson to us if it didn't come too late.  It's well we should feel as life's a reckoning we can't make twice over; there's no real making amends in this world, any more nor you can mend a wrong subtraction by doing your addition right.  ~George Eliot (Mary Ann Evans), Adam Bede

Situated in some nebulous distance I do what I do so that the universal balance of which I am a part may remain a balance.  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin

Each day of human life contains joy and anger, pain and pleasure, darkness and light, growth and decay.  Each moment is etched with nature's grand design - do not try to deny or oppose the cosmic order of things.  ~Morihei Ueshiba

Life may be defined to be the power of self-augmentation or assimilation, not of self-nurture; for then a steam-engine over a coal-pit might be made to live.  ~Augustus William Hare and Julius Charles Hare, Guesses at Truth, by Two Brothers, 1827

One wanders through life as if wandering through a field in the dark of night, wearing a blindfold and very heavy shoes, with a poisonous toad waiting patiently beneath a clump of weeds, knowing full well that eventually you will step on him.  ~Lemony Snicket

When I say I love you. You say you don't deserve it. When I say I need you . You say I deserve someone better, When I say my life is better with you. You say I don't know any better. But when I kiss you, you say I love you, When I have to go, you say I need you. When I am with you, you know, that there is no better feeling then our love coming together and that is something we both deserve.



I have come one step away from everything.  And here I stay, far from everything, one step away.  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin



The history of man for the nine months preceding his birth would, probably, be far more interesting and contain events of greater moment than all the three score and ten years that follow it.  ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge